Whenever I look in the mirror I see exactly what I am, a tall man who is clearly one pie short of exploding. Yet at the same time I also see a happy man who tries to see humour in as much as life as possible and refuses to take things seriously. Unless i'm at work when i'm paid to and even then only when the boss is around. Over the years my philosophy for my diet has been either 'sod it, i'm still young' or (more likely) 'just one more'. In my old job where I was on my feet all day long this wasn't such a problem, but for the last 7 years I've been sat on my ever growing arse in an office eating everything in sight to stop boredom setting in. I am well known in an office of 1200 for being able to smell a buffet from up to 3 floors away. And my solution to this? I endeavour to play the game and stuff my face as this is what my friends and family expect of me having never experienced me in any other manner. Small wonder then that my kids refer to me as daddyfat. Even I laughed at first as it struck me as cute but the realisation that it's not actually a title to be proud of hit me like a large pie shaped frisbee.
The defence mechanism of humour is also starting to wear thin under the strain. When I was a doorman the regular abuse of 'fat b*stard' would elicit my textbook response of 'who are you calling a b*stard' Now this leaves the (usually) drunkard with no where to go, but masks the problem that even someone with 8 pints in them can see I have a intolerence/indifference* to healthy food. I also once introduced myself to the Underwood brothers as a fellow rugby player confirming that I played as the scrum. One laughed and the other looked at me like I was extracting the urine out of his chosen sport. But the fact that one laughed meant that I used the line time and time again with the same mixed results.
Having said of all this I find that my double standards are the most shocking of all. I'll think nothing of commenting at someone eating in the street or buying some treats in Tesco especially when they're on the large side as well. I even managed to scoff at someone once in Subway when they ordered a foot long sandwich and 2 or 3 extras as well. My comment of fat .... was heard by pretty much everyone including the victim who went bright red and nearly cried, to cap it all off he wasn't even that big. The shame I felt from that must have lasted for 5 minutes until I managed to fill my face with a delicious foot long meatball sub.
The amount of fat in my system must have also caused delusion at times as up until my darling wife came into my life I couldn't understand why no woman wanted me. By woman I mean a slim, gorgeous one. Plenty of prospective mates were turned away due to size or looks which clearly I had in abundance so how dare they try and talk to me? My dry spell record was nearly 18 months which is pretty short considering my arrogance. When I was drunk the levels of confidence went through the ceiling and all I could see in the mirror was a Brad Pitt lookalike albeit in larger clothes due to me being more muscular than him. When the girls laughed I just imagined they were laughing with me rather than at me as they also moved away at quite a rapid rate, some may even say the laughs were actually screams but I was too drunk to take notice as my next target would have come into view.
But no more laughs, no more playing the human dustbin and definitely no more laughing at others. To do this properly I have to focus and it's going to take all my energy which I cannot afford to waste....... especially as my poor diet has left me with the energy of a used battery.
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