Where to start

You just need to eat properly was the advice given by my darling wife. The problem with that is that for so long I have equated properly to quantity, why have 2 pieces of chicken when 4 will do that kind of thing. The fact the chickens were already deep fried never entered my mind. Even though i've eaten out of takeaways for years I cannot claim to be unable to cook as (mentioned previously) I'm a qualified chef. The truth of the matter is that I'm just too fat and lazy to stand in front of a cooker for 30 minutes as to me that' a waste of valuable eating time.

To my eternal shame I've also taken the huge and frankly disturbing step of joining slimming world, on the advice (insistence) of my aforementioned beloved wife. This is a level of bravery rarely seen from a man and surely matches the levels of embarrassment you get when you cry in public. I say surely as I've not cried in public since I was pushed down the stairs whilst in Year 10 at school. I've yet to attend a meeting though this is only down to me joining around 10-15 minutes ago and the meetings being held on a Thursday. I know that tonight I will have nightmares that it'll be just like fatfighters on Little Britain and that even worse I would deserve any shitty comments that come my way. I'd retain more dignity by appearing on Jeremy Kyle in that case as I know that for comfort i'd have to tuck into my emergency Yorkie bar carried for such an emergency. And yet deep down I know this is just another defence mechanism in my mind to avoid admitting that in fact the wife is correct (as always) ,and that if I actually attend and follow the advice it's pretty much cast iron guaranteed that i'll lose some much needed weight.

I wonder if they'll let me in under a pseudonym wearing a balaclava......................